How I Almost Became An Extremist

The following post is going to be like a simplified journal of my experiences with religion and how it starting taking over my life. I never got to the point of being an extremist but if I had continued to practice Christianity on a spiritual level I probably would have. There are several reasons why I chose to become a Christian in the past. I was christened as a baby, all the schools that I attended were religious based (Christian and Catholic), most of my friends were Christians at the time too. With these, the first main reason is that I felt obliged to have such faith and if I had rejected the idea all together, I would feel guilty.

At first it was church just a few times. Then it was every week. Then it was Christian Union meetings, Sunday school, visiting other churches at other days of the week. The more I attended to these, the more I learnt about heaven and hell and that my life is meant to be dedicated to a God. I also learnt that I still have free will and yet I still chose to do and believe all these things. When I look back at it now, I was forced to believe and do everything I was taught. The aggressive way some of the preachers/Church leaders spoke of the devil, sin and going to hell frightened me and I genuinely started to believe in those things. I say they spoke but the ones I'm talking about actually shouted rather unnecessarily and constantly used large gestures such as waving around their pointing finger at the audience. Some could say that they are very persuasive but I think they were just very forceful with their own beliefs. I got to the point where my opinion on topics didn't matter anymore because if it was different from what the bible or the preacher says it wouldn't have been Gods word or will. Probably because the preacher is the higher up so must ALWAYS be right.

I never met my father but when I first found out that he's a pastor several years ago, I felt even more obliged and held down with the bible and Christianity. My mum was raised with a religious background as well. More religious than me. In fact she helped out in charities and did her best to help my father when they were still together in Estonia. However, with the past she had experienced with my father she'd become very sceptical of religion and constantly told me to be careful with what Church I'd choose to go to. To be more specific, she told me not to go to the kind where the preacher would shout, point his finger or touch my head. (I guess I was quite rebellious and went to these anyway.)

As time went on, I slowly started changing. I was becoming sexist and homophobic. Sexist because I was convinced that a God had made me as a woman to take on a specific role. Homophobic because I wasn't aware that just disagreeing with the LGBTQ lifestyle, even though letting them live their lives that way, is still classified as homophobia. The more people disagreed or had a different opinion with Christianity, the angrier and frustrated I had gotten. I never got violent, I just started spitting out 'words of God' that were tinted with hate. I never wanted to be homophobic because I knew deep down that condemning sexual orientation was against my conscience. Yet I still felt forced to believe against it because lets face it: Christians who say that God doesn't consider homosexuality as a sin are extremely rare. I had conformed to the majority.

My homophobia got to the point where I wouldn't want to be around anyone who was LGBTQ and I cut ties with someone who was once my best friend. As I continued to change, I grew psychologically and emotionally weaker. Being 'a child of God' became an obsession and I started to repress my conscience. I wanted to be the best to 'God' that I could've possibly have been but I couldn't and I was too stubborn to question it at the time.

My life began to get too busy with the ever-growing responsibility of the household due to my mums disability. When college work was piling up and I was becoming very stressed I started attending Church less rigorously and what I had been repressing all these years began to surface very subtly. The stress and repression had caused many nervous breakdowns and when I look at it now, I had some sort of an anxiety disorder. I would randomly start crying for the smallest things or when my mum asked for help that required me to go outside e.g. post office, cash point, I would panic in carrying out the tasks and then cry on the way back home. I assumed that I was just getting upset due to stress but the attacks started happening during college where I was most vulnerable and sensitive to what other people said to or about me.

As I slowly began to become aware of my conscience again; I realised that I didn't want to believe some of the things that I was being taught. I realised that I was just attending services and communion to say sorry and to feel guilty. It was at about this time that I went to a conference in London about religion and sexuality. Everything there was facilitated meaning that I was learning to constantly ask 'why?' for every belief or opinion I had so they began to grow more meaningful and personal. The experience was very therapeutic for me and I began to discover different levels of religion. I started to study so many things with Christianity and religion and I was so curious about such a spectrum of beliefs.

I continued to use this sort of questioning I learnt at the conference on myself and once I did, I felt so much strongly emotionally. I was no longer tied down to believe in anything against my conscience and I started to rediscover it. Everyone around me started saying I was becoming such a happy person and that they had never seen me this way. It's true. It was the happiest I had ever been. Not only that, I was able to begin to accept myself as a homosexual myself and that has given me true inner peace.

Before I end this post I just want to say that when I used to regularly attend Church, I did experience something I currently call the universal energy flowing within me but others and the me from the past may say was the holy spirit. My perception on spirituality just adjusted to fit my conscience. Also, not all the preachers I went to see were as aggressive as mentioned above. I still attend the Church I am a member of and was baptised at when in the local area because I enjoy the community and the traditional experience. The vicar preaches very calmly and the people are sincerely very nice. I wouldn't be where I am now without them and our experiences together is what draws me to go back and visit.

Extra Note:
I probably also should have said earlier that I don't blame anyone for my actions but myself and doing so would otherwise be me making excuses to my own decisions. I was being manipulated to some extent but in the end I still had a choice with my actions- it just took me a while to realise this. I also believe these experiences didn't go to waste and made me more aware of such things that can go on in such organised religions. I hope that it can help whoever else is going through the same thing to find courage to stand up for themselves.