I went to see my Church today. That might sound weird to you if you are aware that I'm not a christian but still am a member of a church who participates in their activities. A lot of people who aren't religious prefer to stay away from such places as they feel intimidated by saying prayers, taking communion and singing hymns etc that they don't believe in. I don't believe in a God but I do believe in a spiritual energy that everyone can chose to manifest in if they want and however they want to improve their lives. This is different for everyone and I know that religious people do experience this. Just a bit differently.
The reason why I still visit this Church is because when I walk into it, the decoration is so beautiful and the quietness makes me feel so peaceful. It gives very good vibes. The people there aren't pushy with their beliefs and opinions- including the vicar. The tea and coffee after the service gives you the chance to get to know the people.
I enjoyed singing the hymns and at times where I didn't, I got the chance to listen to the amazing vocalist sitting at the back.
I didn't say all of the prayers aloud out of respect but I do read them along as I hear the other people around me chanting them in unison and I interpret them in a different way as I do. This makes it more comfortable for me to feel part of the service and the Church.
I very much appreciated the reading as I interpreted that in my own way too. I simply replaced the word 'God' to whatever it was that I believed for instance. (I wish I brought back the verse with me to put on here because the meaning behind it was very beautiful.)
I don't pray but hearing the list of prayers for the world really gave me a good 3 minutes to reflect on what's going on out there. Quite similar to when we give a minute of silence on remembrance Sunday.
Although I'm baptised, I didn't take communion out of respect. Instead, I received a blessing which is also really nice small gift.
I hope you read this and realise that you are still capable of enjoying a service at any place of worship. Unless of course they think less of you for not believing in the same thing and continue to attempt to justify that you're not living the right way and that you should change. Stay away from places like that, they can be very selfish and manipulative. I digress. It's not just all about having faith or belief in a God. It can be about taking some time to yourself to get out of your usual habitat and experiencing a different culture. It can be like a 2-3 hour retreat from wherever it is you need to get away from. The way you experience things in life is personal and individual.
You don't have to be boy to play football. You don't have to be American to go to America. You don't have to be a vegetarian to enjoy the vegetarian options on a menu. You can even be straight and still attend an LGBT+ support group or event. It actually makes people really happy when you begin to share some of their experiences. Labels like Christian, Jew, Muslim, Atheist etc separate us from each other but in reality none of these cultures completely restrict the option of you to experience things from the viewpoint that I've just described. Just keep in mind that there are some precautions to make of dress and behaviour in particular places to make sure you don't offend the people.
Sunday, 27 July 2014
Wednesday, 18 June 2014
Home Is Where the Heart Is
Before I started university I've lived with my mum and brother for many years. Half of those years were in Bristol and the other years were us moving around London quite a few times. Our mum was always more strict than most British parents so I never had the chance to socialise quite the same way as most teenagers my age have. Gaining this kind of freedom once moving into university halls with 9 other people has taught me what it really means to have such close friends.
I've had to adjust again to 'my room' and just to living here temporarily. Talking to my old friends just over simple everyday things has cheered me up a bit and I'm getting used to being here again and being my old introverted self... but I know I've changed a lot. Being here is just like retracing the old path that I had taken from what feels from so long ago. I don't feel at 'home'. I feel like I'm just visiting another place as if on holiday. That is until I start talking to old friends and the experience feels familiar again...
Thinking about it now, the feeling that I'm trying to describe is called 'home sickness'. Which is weird because I've been so confused about where my 'home' actually was for this past year but it was through this kind of experience that I've discovered that home is where the heart is and that friends really are the family that you choose.
Wednesday, 14 May 2014
Going Vegan was easy for me.
I haven't been blogging much lately so I just thought that I would make a post about how and why I'm motivated to remain a vegan since I often get asked why I am one.
I initially began a vegan diet due to health problems which inevitably lead me into learning more about the other reasons for the lifestyle. I think since going vegetarian and seeing videos online on the food industry I knew that I would go vegan eventually. It just has been and still is a very gradual process for me. A lot of people may find it hard to understand why someone may even think of giving up meat because it must be so difficult and be 'sacrificing' some pleasures in your life. Some say that even though they think it is cruel for the animals, you just get past it by not thinking about it when you eat meat. This is how I got by eating burgers and chicken after being convinced for many years that I had to, despite being repulsed by the idea that I was eating dead muscle.
The main reason why I have decided to stay vegan in the end is because I know to me, it is logically the right thing to do. Denying the fact that animals have feelings would be denying that look of curiosity and excitement that a puppy gives when seeing a cat and the fear in that same cats eyes when they see that same puppy. If it's clear that these animals have feelings, what makes any other different? They all feel fear, pain, grieve...
Some people have the capacity to not think about where the food comes from or how it was made. Some have the capacity to even kill animals themselves for their own meat. I still have respect for these people because we're all different but I can't eat meat or dairy anymore and 'just don't think about it'. That would be repressing my conscience which I have learnt the hard way before is not good for me mentally. This is why I don't see it as a 'sacrifice' but more as something that makes me happier.
I've chosen to be vegan because I can.
I initially began a vegan diet due to health problems which inevitably lead me into learning more about the other reasons for the lifestyle. I think since going vegetarian and seeing videos online on the food industry I knew that I would go vegan eventually. It just has been and still is a very gradual process for me. A lot of people may find it hard to understand why someone may even think of giving up meat because it must be so difficult and be 'sacrificing' some pleasures in your life. Some say that even though they think it is cruel for the animals, you just get past it by not thinking about it when you eat meat. This is how I got by eating burgers and chicken after being convinced for many years that I had to, despite being repulsed by the idea that I was eating dead muscle.
The main reason why I have decided to stay vegan in the end is because I know to me, it is logically the right thing to do. Denying the fact that animals have feelings would be denying that look of curiosity and excitement that a puppy gives when seeing a cat and the fear in that same cats eyes when they see that same puppy. If it's clear that these animals have feelings, what makes any other different? They all feel fear, pain, grieve...
Some people have the capacity to not think about where the food comes from or how it was made. Some have the capacity to even kill animals themselves for their own meat. I still have respect for these people because we're all different but I can't eat meat or dairy anymore and 'just don't think about it'. That would be repressing my conscience which I have learnt the hard way before is not good for me mentally. This is why I don't see it as a 'sacrifice' but more as something that makes me happier.
I've chosen to be vegan because I can.
Sunday, 13 April 2014
Meditation Rookie
One of my previous posts explains my experiences with religion. I haven't really made a post yet about how I came to terms with what I actually currently believe in yet because I've noticed that it's changed a lot from when I first became agnostic to what my beliefs are now and it continues to change even to this day. I hate saying that I would never believe in certain things but for now this is what I believe in.
As I started learning about the difference between spirituality and religion I began opening my mind to many other theories. During this time that I began doubting the existence of a God more heavily than I did before, I read a book called Synchrodestiny by Deepak Chopra. It really opened up my mind about theories on coincidences and made me realise just how much there is out there that I believe in. Suddenly the fear of consequences of not believing in a God disappeared. I gradually came to the conclusion that there must be some sort of energy which I now describe as a universal energy that we choose to let in to our spirit which then enriches our soul and everyday lives. (In his book he describes something similar as the 'nonlocal universal energy'.)
As stress and anxiety continued to build up within me I slowly began to practicing yoga. A lot of people assume it's just for health and fitness benefits but for me, just doing the sun salutation every morning relieves a LOT of stress and anxiety from my every day life and it started making me enthusiastic in my hobbies once again. Inevitably, I started learning about meditation later on as well. When I first did it properly I must admit, it freaked me out a lot once I started opening up my '3rd eye'. I was beginning to go into a state of paralysis which I forced myself out of before going further. I pushed the idea of practicing such a thing away for a while due to fear.
I started taking meditation more seriously lately because of family issues that reappeared from the first few months since I started university. It has been a lot more effective combined with sun salutations, particularly during sunrise- probably because of the extra release of hormones. So far, I've been practicing it based on Jainism as some of the meaning of the mantras have really drawn me in and it has been a good follow up from Synchrodestiny. At first I practiced it rigorously, doing meditation after every sun salutation in the morning and then every night. I find now that it's not necessary that I do it this much as my problems have finally eased out and I'm ok to even do neither for a day or two. Now when I open my 3rd eye, I see images and colours. It's now a really fascinating experience now that I've gotten into it.
I still pay attention to my spirit and if it's tainted badly e.g. when I sense my ego is growing too big. Chopra explains in his book that every emotion comes from either pain or pleasure so I explore my state of mind this way. I feel so at peace after because I am then able to explain why I feel such a way and am able to rationalise things whereas before, this was never possible for me. (This is probably the biggest thing that being part of an organised religion never taught me and it's easier to believe that I'm in control of my outcomes rather than relying entirely on an external force.) Although I now find that I'm more intuitive and sensitive, my other chakras seem to be growing weaker so it will be something that I will be working on later...maybe something I will update on my blog in the future.
Tuesday, 8 April 2014
What Vegans Eat
Since I'm visiting my friends and family in Bristol again later on this year, I keep getting asked about what I actually eat now that I'm a herbivore. A lot of people aren't really sure or confident when it comes to feeding their vegan friends so I've composed a list of simple things to encourage and motivate you guys. A vegan diet consists of food that is free of ANY animal products. This includes egg, dairy and things such as honey and bees wax that may linger in some products. Some of these products are also labelled as E numbers. Some vegans also only buy from brands that are environmentally friendly. This information can be overwhelming but keep in mind that no one is 100% vegan. This is really hard to achieve so if you mess up don't beat yourself up over it. It's best to talk to them beforehand to find out how strict a vegan they are and what reasons they are for it but I'm sure your friend will really appreciate the effort and the consideration.
A tip for looking through the ingredients list is to skip straight to the allergy list or skim for ingredients shown in bold. This is where milk and egg is often listed and will save you lots of time. I will list some food examples based on what you can find at the local supermarket. (In this case Tesco.)
For breakfast, get some vegan butter (sunflower/soya) or jam (most are free from gelatine) and you can put these with any of the following:
For dessert ideas I recommend Swedish Glace ice cream. (If you buy this for someone it will instantly make them fall in love with you, regardless of gender.) It tastes even better with Oreos or strawberries or mixed with sugar free peanut butter. Alpro also do a very good range of substitutes for dairy products.
As you can see, there is a lot of food that is vegan that you would not even have guessed to be so it's not that bad! If you want to be precise and extra sure there are some apps available that can help you identify common ingredients and E numbers to be aware of. To go the extra mile, health stores have many vegan alternatives that aren't sold at most supermarkets such as cheese and chocolate. Holland & Barrett for instance do a lot of vegan stuff but there is the most variety for this in their bigger chain stores.
Being vegan is actually very easy as long as you transition nicely. Have the right amount of motivation for this kind of lifestyle and it isn't a 'torture' or 'sacrifice'. A lot of people say that I'm missing out on all this 'amazing' food but really they're only looking at it as if the 'glass is half empty'. There's still a lot of amazing vegan food out there and it's all down to the mind and how we perceive things.
Happy shopping :) xoxox
A tip for looking through the ingredients list is to skip straight to the allergy list or skim for ingredients shown in bold. This is where milk and egg is often listed and will save you lots of time. I will list some food examples based on what you can find at the local supermarket. (In this case Tesco.)
For breakfast, get some vegan butter (sunflower/soya) or jam (most are free from gelatine) and you can put these with any of the following:
- Toast (if getting fresh bread make sure it isn't glazed)
- Crumpets
- Baked beans (Preferably with toast...)
- Bagels
For other meals and snacks:
- Lots of people make the wrong assumption of Quorn being vegan. For meat replacement go for something like from the Linda McCartney range instead e.g. sausages. Serve with chips and vegetables and you have a meal!
- Vegetable samosas
- Most pasta
- Rice/soba noodles (have to be free of egg and milk)
- Some crisp flavours e.g. heat chilli wave Doritos, salt and vinegar. (This is where you have to look out for milk powder in the ingredients list.)
- Any fruit or vegetable!
For dessert ideas I recommend Swedish Glace ice cream. (If you buy this for someone it will instantly make them fall in love with you, regardless of gender.) It tastes even better with Oreos or strawberries or mixed with sugar free peanut butter. Alpro also do a very good range of substitutes for dairy products.
As you can see, there is a lot of food that is vegan that you would not even have guessed to be so it's not that bad! If you want to be precise and extra sure there are some apps available that can help you identify common ingredients and E numbers to be aware of. To go the extra mile, health stores have many vegan alternatives that aren't sold at most supermarkets such as cheese and chocolate. Holland & Barrett for instance do a lot of vegan stuff but there is the most variety for this in their bigger chain stores.
Being vegan is actually very easy as long as you transition nicely. Have the right amount of motivation for this kind of lifestyle and it isn't a 'torture' or 'sacrifice'. A lot of people say that I'm missing out on all this 'amazing' food but really they're only looking at it as if the 'glass is half empty'. There's still a lot of amazing vegan food out there and it's all down to the mind and how we perceive things.
Happy shopping :) xoxox
Sunday, 30 March 2014
Body Piercings as Spiritual Therapy
There are many beliefs and practices of piercings. Some of which are associated with spiritual beliefs or awakening of the consciousness. I discovered this a while ago (just before I got my ears pierced) when my mum was telling me how body piercings can be dangerous because of them disrupting the natural flow of Qi (pronounced chee) in the body- which in turn can affect your emotional and physical well being. I was very skeptical of this statement at first so thought I would investigate it myself. Turns out she was right to some extent. The downside to this topic (as with a lot of things) is that there are a lot of contradicting views for both sides of the argument.
A lot of acupuncturists will agree that body piercings give the same effect as acupuncture, the only difference being that the effects don't go away until you remove the piercing. This is probably why my mum was so against me getting any piercing done. (She has acupuncture done on herself for her disability so she is well aware of the effects that it can result in.) Those who practice it believe that silver metals repel energy and gold ones attract it to the specific area that it is punctured. With this in mind I considered it could potentially be something you can use to your own advantage and not necessarily be a bad thing.
People are known to get particular body piercings on a specific body part by impulse. These areas just happen to be the acupuncture points where they are needed the most at the time. (e.g. places that relieve anxiety). I later discovered that places where it's considered completely safe to get piercings, where Qi/waves of attraction/illusionary energy is not disrupted, are the ear lobes and the left side of the nose. This is interesting because it just so happens to be the places where most people get piercings. (Some evidence that suggest that it boosts it.) Getting the left side of the nose pierced is also a common practice in Hindi women as it is believed that it ensures a smooth pregnancy and menstrual cycle. Other places on the body other than the nose and ears are overall considered 'unsafe' concerning Qi because of the organs that the nerves are linked to. (Click here for a list of these.) Research has also shown that people who often get piercings are more prone to stress and anxiety. From this, it seems likely that we may naturally feel a spiritual draw or connection to body piercings.
After having done all this research I decided I would get my ears pierced and nothing else because I'd always wanted them done since I was little. When my mum saw them she didn't freak out but made sure that I didn't pierce into any meridians (pathways that Qi flows through). I then reassured her that I wouldn't ever get any other piercings because at the time, I honestly wasn't appealed at all of this idea.
Strangely enough I had a dream several months later where I got my tongue pierced and ever since waking from this dream I felt an unexplained spiritual draw to this idea. I thought it was weird and out of character because I used to say how I would never get my tongue pierced but on the same day that I went to town after that dream I felt a very strong impulse to immediately get it done. I didn't on that day because I tried to rationalise with myself. Instead I waited a month or two but this feeling never went away. I told very few people (only about 2) that I've been thinking about it as well because I wanted to ensure that it was my decision alone that wasn't influenced by others.
My tongue piercing was finally done on 13th March and I've never felt so emotionally and spiritually at peace ever since. It could also be because of the control I now feel I have over my life or the fact that I did something that initially scared me so much that I now feel I can do anything with little worry. (Especially since how I was still completely up for it when they said they wouldn't numb it.) I think this was my first step to follow my gut without hesitation and I now find myself to doing this more often in my everyday life. Of course, acupuncturists would say that it's my health that is very gradually being affected but I'm vegan and I regularly exercise so I'm really not worrying about that right now.
From my experience I think everyone reacts to piercings and even acupuncture differently. Some people get piercings that are continuously rejected by the body whereas other people get loads done with little problem. I think it's the same thing when looking at it in a spiritual way. Not only does everyone have different problems but the effects that piercings can have on you on a spiritual level can vary greatly with impact and from positive to negative.
A lot of acupuncturists will agree that body piercings give the same effect as acupuncture, the only difference being that the effects don't go away until you remove the piercing. This is probably why my mum was so against me getting any piercing done. (She has acupuncture done on herself for her disability so she is well aware of the effects that it can result in.) Those who practice it believe that silver metals repel energy and gold ones attract it to the specific area that it is punctured. With this in mind I considered it could potentially be something you can use to your own advantage and not necessarily be a bad thing.
People are known to get particular body piercings on a specific body part by impulse. These areas just happen to be the acupuncture points where they are needed the most at the time. (e.g. places that relieve anxiety). I later discovered that places where it's considered completely safe to get piercings, where Qi/waves of attraction/illusionary energy is not disrupted, are the ear lobes and the left side of the nose. This is interesting because it just so happens to be the places where most people get piercings. (Some evidence that suggest that it boosts it.) Getting the left side of the nose pierced is also a common practice in Hindi women as it is believed that it ensures a smooth pregnancy and menstrual cycle. Other places on the body other than the nose and ears are overall considered 'unsafe' concerning Qi because of the organs that the nerves are linked to. (Click here for a list of these.) Research has also shown that people who often get piercings are more prone to stress and anxiety. From this, it seems likely that we may naturally feel a spiritual draw or connection to body piercings.
After having done all this research I decided I would get my ears pierced and nothing else because I'd always wanted them done since I was little. When my mum saw them she didn't freak out but made sure that I didn't pierce into any meridians (pathways that Qi flows through). I then reassured her that I wouldn't ever get any other piercings because at the time, I honestly wasn't appealed at all of this idea.
Strangely enough I had a dream several months later where I got my tongue pierced and ever since waking from this dream I felt an unexplained spiritual draw to this idea. I thought it was weird and out of character because I used to say how I would never get my tongue pierced but on the same day that I went to town after that dream I felt a very strong impulse to immediately get it done. I didn't on that day because I tried to rationalise with myself. Instead I waited a month or two but this feeling never went away. I told very few people (only about 2) that I've been thinking about it as well because I wanted to ensure that it was my decision alone that wasn't influenced by others.
My tongue piercing was finally done on 13th March and I've never felt so emotionally and spiritually at peace ever since. It could also be because of the control I now feel I have over my life or the fact that I did something that initially scared me so much that I now feel I can do anything with little worry. (Especially since how I was still completely up for it when they said they wouldn't numb it.) I think this was my first step to follow my gut without hesitation and I now find myself to doing this more often in my everyday life. Of course, acupuncturists would say that it's my health that is very gradually being affected but I'm vegan and I regularly exercise so I'm really not worrying about that right now.
From my experience I think everyone reacts to piercings and even acupuncture differently. Some people get piercings that are continuously rejected by the body whereas other people get loads done with little problem. I think it's the same thing when looking at it in a spiritual way. Not only does everyone have different problems but the effects that piercings can have on you on a spiritual level can vary greatly with impact and from positive to negative.
Saturday, 22 March 2014
How I Almost Became An Extremist
The following post is going to be like a simplified journal of my experiences with religion and how it starting taking over my life. I never got to the point of being an extremist but if I had continued to practice Christianity on a spiritual level I probably would have. There are several reasons why I chose to become a Christian in the past. I was christened as a baby, all the schools that I attended were religious based (Christian and Catholic), most of my friends were Christians at the time too. With these, the first main reason is that I felt obliged to have such faith and if I had rejected the idea all together, I would feel guilty.
At first it was church just a few times. Then it was every week. Then it was Christian Union meetings, Sunday school, visiting other churches at other days of the week. The more I attended to these, the more I learnt about heaven and hell and that my life is meant to be dedicated to a God. I also learnt that I still have free will and yet I still chose to do and believe all these things. When I look back at it now, I was forced to believe and do everything I was taught. The aggressive way some of the preachers/Church leaders spoke of the devil, sin and going to hell frightened me and I genuinely started to believe in those things. I say they spoke but the ones I'm talking about actually shouted rather unnecessarily and constantly used large gestures such as waving around their pointing finger at the audience. Some could say that they are very persuasive but I think they were just very forceful with their own beliefs. I got to the point where my opinion on topics didn't matter anymore because if it was different from what the bible or the preacher says it wouldn't have been Gods word or will. Probably because the preacher is the higher up so must ALWAYS be right.
I never met my father but when I first found out that he's a pastor several years ago, I felt even more obliged and held down with the bible and Christianity. My mum was raised with a religious background as well. More religious than me. In fact she helped out in charities and did her best to help my father when they were still together in Estonia. However, with the past she had experienced with my father she'd become very sceptical of religion and constantly told me to be careful with what Church I'd choose to go to. To be more specific, she told me not to go to the kind where the preacher would shout, point his finger or touch my head. (I guess I was quite rebellious and went to these anyway.)
As time went on, I slowly started changing. I was becoming sexist and homophobic. Sexist because I was convinced that a God had made me as a woman to take on a specific role. Homophobic because I wasn't aware that just disagreeing with the LGBTQ lifestyle, even though letting them live their lives that way, is still classified as homophobia. The more people disagreed or had a different opinion with Christianity, the angrier and frustrated I had gotten. I never got violent, I just started spitting out 'words of God' that were tinted with hate. I never wanted to be homophobic because I knew deep down that condemning sexual orientation was against my conscience. Yet I still felt forced to believe against it because lets face it: Christians who say that God doesn't consider homosexuality as a sin are extremely rare. I had conformed to the majority.
My homophobia got to the point where I wouldn't want to be around anyone who was LGBTQ and I cut ties with someone who was once my best friend. As I continued to change, I grew psychologically and emotionally weaker. Being 'a child of God' became an obsession and I started to repress my conscience. I wanted to be the best to 'God' that I could've possibly have been but I couldn't and I was too stubborn to question it at the time.
My life began to get too busy with the ever-growing responsibility of the household due to my mums disability. When college work was piling up and I was becoming very stressed I started attending Church less rigorously and what I had been repressing all these years began to surface very subtly. The stress and repression had caused many nervous breakdowns and when I look at it now, I had some sort of an anxiety disorder. I would randomly start crying for the smallest things or when my mum asked for help that required me to go outside e.g. post office, cash point, I would panic in carrying out the tasks and then cry on the way back home. I assumed that I was just getting upset due to stress but the attacks started happening during college where I was most vulnerable and sensitive to what other people said to or about me.
As I slowly began to become aware of my conscience again; I realised that I didn't want to believe some of the things that I was being taught. I realised that I was just attending services and communion to say sorry and to feel guilty. It was at about this time that I went to a conference in London about religion and sexuality. Everything there was facilitated meaning that I was learning to constantly ask 'why?' for every belief or opinion I had so they began to grow more meaningful and personal. The experience was very therapeutic for me and I began to discover different levels of religion. I started to study so many things with Christianity and religion and I was so curious about such a spectrum of beliefs.
I continued to use this sort of questioning I learnt at the conference on myself and once I did, I felt so much strongly emotionally. I was no longer tied down to believe in anything against my conscience and I started to rediscover it. Everyone around me started saying I was becoming such a happy person and that they had never seen me this way. It's true. It was the happiest I had ever been. Not only that, I was able to begin to accept myself as a homosexual myself and that has given me true inner peace.
Before I end this post I just want to say that when I used to regularly attend Church, I did experience something I currently call the universal energy flowing within me but others and the me from the past may say was the holy spirit. My perception on spirituality just adjusted to fit my conscience. Also, not all the preachers I went to see were as aggressive as mentioned above. I still attend the Church I am a member of and was baptised at when in the local area because I enjoy the community and the traditional experience. The vicar preaches very calmly and the people are sincerely very nice. I wouldn't be where I am now without them and our experiences together is what draws me to go back and visit.
Extra Note:
I probably also should have said earlier that I don't blame anyone for my actions but myself and doing so would otherwise be me making excuses to my own decisions. I was being manipulated to some extent but in the end I still had a choice with my actions- it just took me a while to realise this. I also believe these experiences didn't go to waste and made me more aware of such things that can go on in such organised religions. I hope that it can help whoever else is going through the same thing to find courage to stand up for themselves.
At first it was church just a few times. Then it was every week. Then it was Christian Union meetings, Sunday school, visiting other churches at other days of the week. The more I attended to these, the more I learnt about heaven and hell and that my life is meant to be dedicated to a God. I also learnt that I still have free will and yet I still chose to do and believe all these things. When I look back at it now, I was forced to believe and do everything I was taught. The aggressive way some of the preachers/Church leaders spoke of the devil, sin and going to hell frightened me and I genuinely started to believe in those things. I say they spoke but the ones I'm talking about actually shouted rather unnecessarily and constantly used large gestures such as waving around their pointing finger at the audience. Some could say that they are very persuasive but I think they were just very forceful with their own beliefs. I got to the point where my opinion on topics didn't matter anymore because if it was different from what the bible or the preacher says it wouldn't have been Gods word or will. Probably because the preacher is the higher up so must ALWAYS be right.
I never met my father but when I first found out that he's a pastor several years ago, I felt even more obliged and held down with the bible and Christianity. My mum was raised with a religious background as well. More religious than me. In fact she helped out in charities and did her best to help my father when they were still together in Estonia. However, with the past she had experienced with my father she'd become very sceptical of religion and constantly told me to be careful with what Church I'd choose to go to. To be more specific, she told me not to go to the kind where the preacher would shout, point his finger or touch my head. (I guess I was quite rebellious and went to these anyway.)
As time went on, I slowly started changing. I was becoming sexist and homophobic. Sexist because I was convinced that a God had made me as a woman to take on a specific role. Homophobic because I wasn't aware that just disagreeing with the LGBTQ lifestyle, even though letting them live their lives that way, is still classified as homophobia. The more people disagreed or had a different opinion with Christianity, the angrier and frustrated I had gotten. I never got violent, I just started spitting out 'words of God' that were tinted with hate. I never wanted to be homophobic because I knew deep down that condemning sexual orientation was against my conscience. Yet I still felt forced to believe against it because lets face it: Christians who say that God doesn't consider homosexuality as a sin are extremely rare. I had conformed to the majority.
My homophobia got to the point where I wouldn't want to be around anyone who was LGBTQ and I cut ties with someone who was once my best friend. As I continued to change, I grew psychologically and emotionally weaker. Being 'a child of God' became an obsession and I started to repress my conscience. I wanted to be the best to 'God' that I could've possibly have been but I couldn't and I was too stubborn to question it at the time.
My life began to get too busy with the ever-growing responsibility of the household due to my mums disability. When college work was piling up and I was becoming very stressed I started attending Church less rigorously and what I had been repressing all these years began to surface very subtly. The stress and repression had caused many nervous breakdowns and when I look at it now, I had some sort of an anxiety disorder. I would randomly start crying for the smallest things or when my mum asked for help that required me to go outside e.g. post office, cash point, I would panic in carrying out the tasks and then cry on the way back home. I assumed that I was just getting upset due to stress but the attacks started happening during college where I was most vulnerable and sensitive to what other people said to or about me.
As I slowly began to become aware of my conscience again; I realised that I didn't want to believe some of the things that I was being taught. I realised that I was just attending services and communion to say sorry and to feel guilty. It was at about this time that I went to a conference in London about religion and sexuality. Everything there was facilitated meaning that I was learning to constantly ask 'why?' for every belief or opinion I had so they began to grow more meaningful and personal. The experience was very therapeutic for me and I began to discover different levels of religion. I started to study so many things with Christianity and religion and I was so curious about such a spectrum of beliefs.
I continued to use this sort of questioning I learnt at the conference on myself and once I did, I felt so much strongly emotionally. I was no longer tied down to believe in anything against my conscience and I started to rediscover it. Everyone around me started saying I was becoming such a happy person and that they had never seen me this way. It's true. It was the happiest I had ever been. Not only that, I was able to begin to accept myself as a homosexual myself and that has given me true inner peace.
Before I end this post I just want to say that when I used to regularly attend Church, I did experience something I currently call the universal energy flowing within me but others and the me from the past may say was the holy spirit. My perception on spirituality just adjusted to fit my conscience. Also, not all the preachers I went to see were as aggressive as mentioned above. I still attend the Church I am a member of and was baptised at when in the local area because I enjoy the community and the traditional experience. The vicar preaches very calmly and the people are sincerely very nice. I wouldn't be where I am now without them and our experiences together is what draws me to go back and visit.
Extra Note:
I probably also should have said earlier that I don't blame anyone for my actions but myself and doing so would otherwise be me making excuses to my own decisions. I was being manipulated to some extent but in the end I still had a choice with my actions- it just took me a while to realise this. I also believe these experiences didn't go to waste and made me more aware of such things that can go on in such organised religions. I hope that it can help whoever else is going through the same thing to find courage to stand up for themselves.
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