How I Almost Became An Extremist

The following post is going to be like a simplified journal of my experiences with religion and how it starting taking over my life. I never got to the point of being an extremist but if I had continued to practice Christianity on a spiritual level I probably would have. There are several reasons why I chose to become a Christian in the past. I was christened as a baby, all the schools that I attended were religious based (Christian and Catholic), most of my friends were Christians at the time too. With these, the first main reason is that I felt obliged to have such faith and if I had rejected the idea all together, I would feel guilty.

At first it was church just a few times. Then it was every week. Then it was Christian Union meetings, Sunday school, visiting other churches at other days of the week. The more I attended to these, the more I learnt about heaven and hell and that my life is meant to be dedicated to a God. I also learnt that I still have free will and yet I still chose to do and believe all these things. When I look back at it now, I was forced to believe and do everything I was taught. The aggressive way some of the preachers/Church leaders spoke of the devil, sin and going to hell frightened me and I genuinely started to believe in those things. I say they spoke but the ones I'm talking about actually shouted rather unnecessarily and constantly used large gestures such as waving around their pointing finger at the audience. Some could say that they are very persuasive but I think they were just very forceful with their own beliefs. I got to the point where my opinion on topics didn't matter anymore because if it was different from what the bible or the preacher says it wouldn't have been Gods word or will. Probably because the preacher is the higher up so must ALWAYS be right.

I never met my father but when I first found out that he's a pastor several years ago, I felt even more obliged and held down with the bible and Christianity. My mum was raised with a religious background as well. More religious than me. In fact she helped out in charities and did her best to help my father when they were still together in Estonia. However, with the past she had experienced with my father she'd become very sceptical of religion and constantly told me to be careful with what Church I'd choose to go to. To be more specific, she told me not to go to the kind where the preacher would shout, point his finger or touch my head. (I guess I was quite rebellious and went to these anyway.)

As time went on, I slowly started changing. I was becoming sexist and homophobic. Sexist because I was convinced that a God had made me as a woman to take on a specific role. Homophobic because I wasn't aware that just disagreeing with the LGBTQ lifestyle, even though letting them live their lives that way, is still classified as homophobia. The more people disagreed or had a different opinion with Christianity, the angrier and frustrated I had gotten. I never got violent, I just started spitting out 'words of God' that were tinted with hate. I never wanted to be homophobic because I knew deep down that condemning sexual orientation was against my conscience. Yet I still felt forced to believe against it because lets face it: Christians who say that God doesn't consider homosexuality as a sin are extremely rare. I had conformed to the majority.

My homophobia got to the point where I wouldn't want to be around anyone who was LGBTQ and I cut ties with someone who was once my best friend. As I continued to change, I grew psychologically and emotionally weaker. Being 'a child of God' became an obsession and I started to repress my conscience. I wanted to be the best to 'God' that I could've possibly have been but I couldn't and I was too stubborn to question it at the time.

My life began to get too busy with the ever-growing responsibility of the household due to my mums disability. When college work was piling up and I was becoming very stressed I started attending Church less rigorously and what I had been repressing all these years began to surface very subtly. The stress and repression had caused many nervous breakdowns and when I look at it now, I had some sort of an anxiety disorder. I would randomly start crying for the smallest things or when my mum asked for help that required me to go outside e.g. post office, cash point, I would panic in carrying out the tasks and then cry on the way back home. I assumed that I was just getting upset due to stress but the attacks started happening during college where I was most vulnerable and sensitive to what other people said to or about me.

As I slowly began to become aware of my conscience again; I realised that I didn't want to believe some of the things that I was being taught. I realised that I was just attending services and communion to say sorry and to feel guilty. It was at about this time that I went to a conference in London about religion and sexuality. Everything there was facilitated meaning that I was learning to constantly ask 'why?' for every belief or opinion I had so they began to grow more meaningful and personal. The experience was very therapeutic for me and I began to discover different levels of religion. I started to study so many things with Christianity and religion and I was so curious about such a spectrum of beliefs.

I continued to use this sort of questioning I learnt at the conference on myself and once I did, I felt so much strongly emotionally. I was no longer tied down to believe in anything against my conscience and I started to rediscover it. Everyone around me started saying I was becoming such a happy person and that they had never seen me this way. It's true. It was the happiest I had ever been. Not only that, I was able to begin to accept myself as a homosexual myself and that has given me true inner peace.

Before I end this post I just want to say that when I used to regularly attend Church, I did experience something I currently call the universal energy flowing within me but others and the me from the past may say was the holy spirit. My perception on spirituality just adjusted to fit my conscience. Also, not all the preachers I went to see were as aggressive as mentioned above. I still attend the Church I am a member of and was baptised at when in the local area because I enjoy the community and the traditional experience. The vicar preaches very calmly and the people are sincerely very nice. I wouldn't be where I am now without them and our experiences together is what draws me to go back and visit.

Extra Note:
I probably also should have said earlier that I don't blame anyone for my actions but myself and doing so would otherwise be me making excuses to my own decisions. I was being manipulated to some extent but in the end I still had a choice with my actions- it just took me a while to realise this. I also believe these experiences didn't go to waste and made me more aware of such things that can go on in such organised religions. I hope that it can help whoever else is going through the same thing to find courage to stand up for themselves.

Is Religion Evolving?

As someone who grew up with a very religious background but later struggled to have a belief in a God I couldn't help but lately observe and wonder about certain things on today's modern religious beliefs. I've been having these thoughts just growing inside my mind constantly and I have finally come to the point where I feel I have to share them because of a growing concern. In this post I will be intentionally talking about Christianity but other religions can also be interpreted through this to some extent.

The first thing I've noticed as a trend lately is that more and more people have been saying that they don't follow a religion and that it's a 'way of life'.  A good example of these sorts of people is Jefferson Bethke. In his most popular youtube video: 'Why I hate religion, but love Jesus' he explains deeply and thoroughly this belief. However, I still get confused when people deny that they are religious because in a logical and theoretical point of view this doesn't make sense. In the Oxford dictionary religion is defined as 'The belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods' or 'A particular system of faith and worship'. Furthermore, Christianity is defined as a 'religion based on the person and teachings of Jesus Christ, or its beliefs and practices'. I will be referring to religion and Christianity using these definitions from now on to avoid confusion.

When I hear 'it's not a religion, it's a way of life' it's as if the person saying it is getting defensive over something. Why is it that people reject this definition of religion?  

At first I thought it's because they don't want to be put in the same box as extremists (people who take religion way too far e.g. Westboro Baptist Church) Yet going back to the phrase, it's easy to see extremists are people who make it a way of life as well.

Going back to the saying, as far as I'm aware religion IS a way of life. It's the same way atheism is a way of life because obviously, atheists lives their lives differently.

From my experiences and observations, there are two types of religious people: The type that just practice the rituals, verses and teachings with little feeling and emotion behind it all and the type that put their heart and soul into. I think the latter is the reason that people deny that they are religious and more readily accept spirituality. The bible distinguishes between these two types in the new testament so this is nothing new.

This is all understandable in my opinion but when someone says that they are not religious it gets irritating when they constantly have to pronounce this. It's not because I disrespect them but because my perception of what religion is, is different to theirs the same way that what my perception of beauty is different. The more time passes and the more often I hear it, the more often I assume that they are just not comfortable with being labeled. Why should it matter how I label them when I can understand what they are like or what they mean by knowing them instead? Not only that, the more defensive they get over it, the more I assume how weak their faith actually seems to be.

It's as if they find Christianity a shaming thing to be a part of. I can understand how that can easily be since it's mostly bad things that they do are noticed but I have witnessed many good things in my lifetime that religion has achieved and I'm only 19! Personally I'd much rather start hearing people comfortably say that they're Christian rather than seeming so ashamed because it seems like an achievement  and something you can be pleased about to me.

In Christianity specifically there are many denominations out there that all interpret the bible and practices differently. It's easy to find one today that you may feel that you can fit into. This is especially useful in todays modern society where there are ones such as the Unitarian Church where 'Everyone is free to search for meaning in life in a responsible way and to reach their own conclusions.' So to conclude: it seems that religion is evolving to suit our needs but not enough people are aware of it.